Rendy Woby

I no get it #9279234934

If you want someone to write something impassioned about your music, send them your music. I know it is knuckle-gnawingly hard but the brilliant thing is that although The Machine says you have to PR things in a certain way, you actually - W@IT IS THaT TEH SKY FALLIGN IN - don’t have to. I mean, if you don’t really want to give a person your song and you think they have the time or inclination to spread your song about the internet - for frizzle - like so much jam, then DON’T SEND IT TO THEM. Because that would be CRAZY, and you are not.

But if you do want them to form some sort of relationship with your music; take it out into the world, use it to make boring things like their life much more exciting - in short, if you want them to actually know it and then try to find a way to convince other people of its inherent amazingness and agonise over how they can communicate that a song - a simple, ruddy song! - hactually makes the world make sense for the 180 seconds of its duration: SEND THEM YOUR SONG.

If you want people to respond to your music while sat at a computer, bearing in mind they are highly likely to be perma-twitching and hover-clicking on about three other things while they listen (ooh, Twitter, ooh, Facebook, ooh, Regretsy) and if you want them to think about the bit of nail varnish by the mousepad they should probably get rid of but hangon do we have any nail varnish remover in the house and ohwait is putting nail varnish on our macbook safe is it safe is it safe I wonder if Dustin Hoffman is actually nice he seems nice we saw him that one time on the telly and dearchrist remember that dentist who pretended to be Jack Nicholson in The Shining that was a bit weird ohlook trending bit so I am definitely popular - I mean, IF YOU REALLY REALLY WANT THEM TO DO THAT, don’t send them your song. Send them a link to a stream they HAVE TO BE SAT AT THEIR COMPUTER TO LISTEN TO. 

Computers! They’re So Ackfing Romantic

I also highly recommend sending them a two page press release, a high-res picture of the lot of you up against some sort of ‘wall’, attaching the press release again as a PDF so they have it in a range of formats and then maybe say something about how Huw Stephens likes you and you are playing Huddersfield in May. DON’T PUT THE SONG IN MAN, put the live dates in a different colour font (woo swag yeh boi). And whatever you do, don’t be absolutely charming to them on Twitter so they feel predisposed to like you when your email arrives (hey, Golau Glau), don’t send them a personalised email, don’t put a writer-baiting compliment at the top of it because if you put one in you definitely have to mean it and FOR GAWD’S SAKE don’t make it simple for the writer to hear you because music writers don’t get many emails what with them being paid in Krugerrands and eating foie gras for elevenses and constantly packing their platinum trousers into Louis Vuitton personalised lugg-garge for weekends in Monte.